Civility

When I was nineteen, William Shawn interviewed me for a summer job at The New Yorker.  To grasp the full import of what follows, you should know that I considered The New Yorker a cathedral and Mr. Shawn a figure so godlike that I expected a faint nimbus to emanate from his ruddy head.  During the course of our conversation, he asked me what other magazines I hoped to write for.

"Um, Esquire, the Saturday Review, and --"

I wanted to say "Ms.," but my lips had already butted against the M -- too late for a politic retreat -- when I realized I had no idea how to pronounce it.  Lest you conclude that I had been raised in Ulan Bator, I might remind you that in 1973, when I met Mr. Shawn, Ms. magazine had been published for scarcely a year, and most people, including me, had never heard the word Ms. used as a term of address.  (Mr. Shawn had called me Miss Fadiman.  He was so venerated by his writers that "Mister" had virtually become part of his name.)  Its pronunciation, reflexive now, was not as obvious as you might think.  After all, Mr. is not pronounced "Mir," and Mrs. is not pronounced "Mirz."  Was it "Mzzzz"? "Miz"?  "Muz"?

In that apocalyptic split second, I somehow alighted on "Em Ess," which I knew to be the correct pronunciation of ms., or manuscript.

Mr. Shawn didn't blink.  He gave no indication that I had said anything untoward.  In fact, he calmly proceeded to discuss the new feminist magazine -- its history, its merits, its demerits, the opportunities it might offer a young writer like me -- for four or five minutes without ever mentioning its name.

Since that time, whenever I have heard anyone talk about civility, I have thought of Mr. Shawn, a man so civil that in order to spare me embarrassment, he succeeded in crossing an entire minefield of potential Ms.'s without detonating a single one.  I consider this feat comparable to that of George Perec, the experimental French writer who composed a 311-page novel without using the letter e.  After I left the building, I called a friend.  ("How do you say that new little word? ... Oh my God, no!")  That was a terrible moment, but as Mr. Shawn had surmised, wanting to die in the telephone booth was greatly preferable to wanting to die in his office.

                  Ex Libris, Confessions of a Common Reader
                  Anne Fadiman

Comments

[Kevin Wolf]

I think I know - oh - six or seven hundred people who could learn a little from Mr Shawn. (Myself included.)

[Brian]

Great story. On the other hand, there are people so without grace or civility...

I had one interview where the gentlemen instantly cued into a college semester where I struggled...

"What, did you flunk out?" he asked me quite directly.

Speaking of dying from embarassment, at the First Christmas Party at the First Job I had after college. The party was held in a restaurant my boss had designed, down to the markings on teh restrooms, which were a quite simple metal "M" and "W", essentially vertical mirror images of each other.

Now, you need to keep in mind that I had very recently learned that my boss had a mild form of dyslexia, and not been able to hip my wife to the fact. I was talking with my boss and several associates when she came back from the restrooms, exclaiming brightly "Interesting toilet signage. I bet it's a problem for dyslexics!"

The others in the group were kind of slackjawed in embarassment, I cringed quite visible, I'm sure, and my boss just shot a laserlike stare at my wife (he was never sure when someone was cracking a joke). I just grabbed her arm and went to freshen our drinks.

[blue girl]

Hi Brian, now see -- that was a perfect time for your boss to have been a gentleman -- but, I'm not sure most people have it in them to react graciously.

I think it stems from insecurity -- make sure to let everyone know how much smarter you are than them -- and it'll make you feel superior. But, in fact, that behavior just keeps feeding the insecurity.

Although I can't claim to be civil 100% of the time, I still think it's such rotten human behavior. And so transparent, too!

[Neddie Jingo]

Have you been following the minor imbroglio in the New Yorker about the "William Shawn" character played by Bob Balaban in the Capote movie? Sons Wallace and (cough, mumble -- Gromit? Alvin? Theodore?) take a Dim View indeed, and Harper Lee wrote a sightly admonishing letter in the latest ish. So delish.

I once nearly tripped Saul Bellow down the stairs at the West 4th Street subway stop -- does that count for anything? He turned around and kneed me in the nuts.

[Jennifer]

Wow! To be kneed in the nuts by Saul Bellow! Why that's better than an autographed first edition!

Yes, we could all be a little more civil just because it is the decent thing to do, but if not for that then because we will all make flubs and we hope to be met with civilty instead of treated as prey that has just exposed its jugular.

[RonzoniRigatoni]

Anne Fadiman's been a favorite of mine since I first met her on the pages of Civilization Magazine. I dropped my subscription when they quit carrying her column. Haven't seen much of her lately, tho'

[Michael Bains]

My mom, good Liberal Democrat, er um, Catholic, that she was (oh! and is,) considered Ms. pornography.

Or at least she thought she was supposed to ... I could never tell on that Catholic stuff.

Kudos to Mr. Shawn.

[papa Bill]

I find that when a woman calls me "civil" it's very similar to being called "nice". In either case, I don't get laid. (I know, that's a very uncivil outlook)

[Jennifer]

papa bill- I seem to recall my not-yet-boyfriend, not-yet-husband saying that when I said he was seemed safe... needless to say, he did indeed get laid. Sometimes a nice man or a safe man is a nice and civil place to fall.

[blue girl]

Papa Bill,

I think a lot of guys don't want to be called "nice" or "Sweety's" because they want to be seen as "bad boys" or "rebels" or something and they think that'll make girls like them more.

Nice girls like civil, nice guys -- throw in a tiny, tiny bit of badness -- and you just might have the perfect guy.

[Pepper]

What a nice man. See, being civil isn't a sign of incompetence!

Boy, do I know how she feels. I have trouble pronouncing words because of a hearing issue, and I can't quite produce sounds the way I should. It's served me well - I cut anyone who makes fun of the way I talk out of my life, or I at least avoid them. My friends who can laugh at it a little or at least politely correct me are the ones worth keeping.

[papa Bill]

OK, so here's me being civil (no easy task). You and Jennifer have me partially convinced. I'll let you know how my new personality works out after a week or so.