This is not the UFO post that I promised below, but since I do imagine that Pinko Punko has a little green head, I thought I'd post this now.
Background: Res, the President of The Republic of Dogs, suffered a humilating defeat to me, Blue Girl Extraordinairre, in The Holiday, Yes, We Said Holiday, What Are You Going To Do About It, Bill O-Reilly? 2005 Bakeoff®. While people around the globe have always known that my cookies are way better than his cookies, the final results (thanks Geenie Cola!) put everyone's doubts to rest, except for just one person's. And that would be the El Presidente, Res Publica himself.
Why can't he let it go already? Why is it Memorial Day Weekend 2006 and you can still hear him shrieking about that loss to this day? Here's a little excerpt from a comment thread over at The Republic of Dogs. It will let all of you see into the psychology that is Res's obsession with his stunning defeat.
Blue Girl: Now, if you’ll excuse me — I’ve got some flowers to go and plant and then slowly watch die.
Res: LOL this morning, I managed to revive all my herbs after a week of total neglect and brutal heat. They were all wilted and sad-looking.
Blue Girl: I was at teh Home Depot this morning — do they give all their money to Republicans? I have to see — should I have not shopped there? Anyway, too late now — they had the coolest thing.
In one pot: Tomato plant, parsley, sweet basil, sage and some other delicious herbs. The instructions said — that when you replant, if you do it soon — that you should replant the tomato plant 80% into the dirt.
Does that sound weird? I think it sounds weird, but I’m gonna be a good blue girl and follow the instructions, cuz God knows I don’t know what the H-E-double toothpicks I’m doing on my own.
Res: No, that’s correct. You can bury almost the entire plant. They like to be planted deep, because they tend to grow tall. Plant your basil close to the tomatoes…it will keep some of the tomato-lovin’ critters away. Also, be really sure your sage gets lots of sun, and barely water it at all. I have finally managed to keep a sage plant alive, but it took be a long time to glom on to why the kept dying. They are very susceptible to mold and fungus. They like dry soil and sunlight.
Blue Girl: Thank you for the tips, my friend! Because I planted tomato plants wrong in the past is probably why I only ever got one tomato out of the dang deal! I should probably separate the sage from the other plants, then.
I haven’t gotten much plantin’ done today. My son’s got a bunch of friends over and they were all crying and moaning that there was no food in the house.
“We need Oreos!”
So, I had to go grocery shopping and just got back. I think I’ll head out now and start doin’ what I should’ve been doin’ hours ago.
What’s a good dish to use sage in? The only thing I know about sage is all Simon & Garfunkle.
Parsely, saaaaaaaaage, rosemary and time……
Pinko Punko: Oh jesus, BG. Sage is good with TONS of stuff.
Wild rice pilaf. Roast chicken. Anything with sausage really. Stuffing.
I am convinced of BG’s highness.
I think maybe we should redo the contest.
Res: Hmm fresh sage is such a revelation…so much more complex and wonderful than dried rubbed sage.
Here’s my absolute fave:
Roast Pinko Punko, I mean, a butternut squash (just cut it in half, scoop out the stringy crap, drizzle with olive oil and roast on a cookie sheet in a medium oven until the flesh is soft). Scrape out the flesh, mix it with a little grated parmigiano reggiano, salt, fresh ground pepper, and an egg. Refrigerate that, and then use it as a filling to make some ravioli. If you’re an overachieving dork, you can get out the torture pasta machine and make the pasta from scratch, but really, wonton wrappers make great ravioli. Boil those for a hot sec and drain them well.
Then melt a stick of good, salty butter in a sauce pan over medium heat. Once the foam starts to subside, toss in a handfull of sage leaves (whole, or cut into a julienne, doesn’t matter). Let that cook until the sage is crisp and the butter is fragrant and lightly browned. Dress the ravioli with the sage brown butter and shave a little parmigiano reggiano over them.
This is one of my favorite dishes EVER, and I am no big fan of any kind of stuffed pasta that involves me standing in the kitchen doing some dippy little task (like filling ravioli) over and over again.
Also, Pinko is right about roast chicken. Try tucking a few sage leaves under the skin that covers the breasts. As the fat renders out of the skin, it will pick up the flavor of the sage and carry it down into the meat….delish. Same trick works very nicely with basil or thyme.
Blue Girl: Oh. My. God.
No wonder Res is steamed that he lost the Cookie contest.
If I were to pull off that ravioli recipe — I would demand to go on Oprah and be interviewed about it.
So, now I completely understand Res's obsession with losing the Holiday 2005 Bake-Off. Cooking and baking is his thing. So I have decided that I need to be a judge this next holiday season. I am preemptively taking myself out of the competition. You know, so Res might actually have a chance to win it this time.
This has been a spectacular week. One for the Blue Girl Guiness Book of World Records. When I started blogging, I set goals for myself. I envisioned one year into the future, five years into the future, even ten years into the future. And I knew exactly where I wanted to be at each of those times. It was all so clear to me then and it is still clear to me now. And it's working. I should make an infomercial to sell inspirational videos. Or tour the nation to motivate the hoi polloi. I am the Yossi Ghinsberg of the blogosphere. I know that I could breathe inspiration into people and organizations beyond their wildest hopes and dreams.
Let's review my miraculous achievements quickly, shall we? Cuz you know, Bill's still holding.
First, I learned how to italicize words and phrases in comment threads across the great global landscape thanks to none other than almostinfamous. Sure, I screwed it up several times before getting it right, prompting Pinko Punko to ask if I was high. But I overcame my </i> ineptitude rather quickly! And did it successfully in no time flat! And while I grew weary of it soon thereafter, it will remain a fond memory for years to come. Then, I learned how to insert live links in comment threads too! I really had to train for that one. All the stretching! All the sweat! The pain. Oh. The pain. But, it really paid off because so many people ended up at my Friday Afternoon Before A Holiday Dance Party! Sure, most of them ended up in the closet together at one time or other during the night. But, that's ok! What happens at Blue Girl's pad, stays at Blue Girl's pad. Then, unfortunately, I hit a snag. I tried to italicize a phrase in an email I sent someone. And it didn't work at all.
And while that was really embarrassing, I stepped up and admitted that it didn't work! I admitted my failure! I owned it. And I fully plan to envision that I will be successful at that one day. Don't ever count me out! I will do it!
Now for the achievement of my life. The proverbial cherry on top that makes life truly worth living. I upgraded my browser and installed it this morning all by myself. I googled. I clicked. I downloaded. I unstuffed. I dragged it into the applications folder. I mysteriously did some other stuff that I had no idea how to do. I restarted. I clicked again. And it worked. Did you hear me? It worked! I have yet to see if this upgrade will allow me to trackback to other bloggers, but I plan to try! Yes, I do! I may try to do it with this post! If any of you see a weird trackback that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to the post that it's trackbacked to, have no fear! I am simply allowing you to travel with me on this journey of self improvement. Think of it like we're backpacking across Europe together and we've ended up in Paris drinking red wine in beautiful glasses, toasting our success.
I had other monumental successes this week, but I won't go into them again. Everyone who's anyone already knows what they are and it's not like me to brag forever.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pick up my other line and speak with Mr. Gates. I'm envisioning Silicone Valley awaits my talents. Maybe not right this minute. But, I can see in my mind's eye that it could happen in five, maybe ten years. No problem.
May 25, 2006 (Cleveland, Ohio) -- Mr. James Wolcott has been located. By all visible indications, he is perfectly fine, but he does say that the surreal experience made him feel a tad wiped out.
While speculation swirled that Pam of Atlas Shrugs was the number one person of interest involving Wolcott's disappearance, the milk cartons bearing his image were being distributed to every public elementary school across the nation.
Stepford wives were screaming with fear!
Yet, somewhere in the heartland an anonymous source phoned in a tip to Dana Priest at The Washington Post. The Pulitzer Prize winning journalist heard strange clicking on the line and immediately hung up.
But it was too late.
The NSA recorded the conversation and contacted Robert Novak, who wrote a column outing Bill Clinton's wife as a possible presidential candidate for the upcoming 2008 election, also mentioning that the leftwing blogosphere is not speaking in one voice as to whether they would support a Hillary nomination. He was of the opinion that Wolcott's absence may have something to do with this split in the wingnut population.
When Joe Wilson read Novak's column, he became enraged. If anyone's wife is going to be discussed in print by Robert Novak, he firmly believes it should always be his. After all! He's got to keep his great table at next year's Washington Correspondent's Dinner! Wilson quickly wrote an op-ed for the NYTs regarding the matter and inadvertantly included 16 words that slipped passed the editor. They should have never ended up in print: The Mystery That Is James Wolcott's Absence Is Beginning To Weigh Heavily On Wingnuts Far And Wide. Ok. That was 17. Take it up with Bill Keller if you're that hot under the collar about one extra lousy word.
Mr. Wolcott, just sitting in his hot tub in his Upper West Side Condo, sipping champagne this afternoon happened to notice Wilson's op-ed. And he read it -- unlike all of you who were not reading the op-ed like I told you to. Good Soldiers!
Wolcott knew he had to take action. He had to contact his comrades to let them know that he was safe! He thought to himself, Should I contact Dana Priest, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist to get the word out? Or should I contact Blue Girl In A Red State?
Like all good East Coast Elites, Wolcott suddenly realized that if you really want action, it had better originate in Cleveland. And proceeded to act thusly.
The Coalition of the Willing should be very proud. You are all true patriots! And your country admires and appreciates all you have sacrificed in this mission. And I say that as I stand here in my flight suit looking quite dapper, I must say.
James Wolcott is reportedly resting easy in Manhattan this evening (although he's considering taking in a show) and is fully back online.
He has yet to write what he thinks of Hillary running for President. We await his words of wisdom.