Luckily, Wank Is Not A Category To Be Judged

I heard music pounding through the floor a couple of weeks ago and thought I recognized the song, so I went running upstairs.

Blue Kid?  What's that song?  Oh, never mind.  That's not it. Hey, do you know this one song?  It goes something like ... Dee-do-da-da, Dee-do-da-da, Yada, yada, yada, sis boom bah, ba-dee-da-bop.  What?

What are you talking about?

I'm dying to find out what this one song is!  It goes something like ... Where did I go wrong?  Dee-do-da-da ... Daa-do-da-da...

Is it this one?

Hmmm.  No.  Where did I go wrong?  Dee-do-da-da ... Daa-do-da-da.

Is it this one?

No.  That's not it.

It is!

No, it's not!  The tempo's wrong.

Oh, what about The Fray?  Is it this one?

Yeah!  That's it!  I love this song!

God, mom!  You only like Sad Bastard music!

What?!  Stop talking like that!  What are you talking about?

You totally like the wrong music.  You love all this over-produced Sony music label crud.

It's not crud.

It is crud!

It's not crud!  It's wank!

What's wank?

I don't know.  That's what Pinko Punko calls it.

Who's Pinko Punko?  Your blogging friend?  Well, he's right.  You like wank!  You're a wanker!

Oh, shut up.

***

I ran to the post office on Saturday deducting points in my mind from Pinko Punko and Geenie Cola's Bake-off entry.  Res received his in a timely fashion, got to scarf it all down, as I sat over here starving to death and withering away to nothing.  I was too weak to even blog about it.

But, to my surprise, my package was there!  The magical feeling of Christmas overcame me until I saw that he had used a recycled box, lots of tape -- kind of messy.  He writes his "7's" in a funny way.  Sort of like backward "F's."  And then I remembered Res's shots from last week when he received PP and GC's entry.  His box was way bigger than mine.  Mine was small.  Tiny.  Minute.  I imagined the box included three Nestle morsels, nothing more.

I zoomed home so that I could begin judging Pinko Punko immediately.  The Skimmer, Blue Kid and Blue Kid's Friend, Broken Arm, were all in the living room.

Hey!  I got the first bake-off entry!  You guys want to help me judge it?

Who's it from, mom?

Pinko Punko and his lovely wife and better half, Geenie Cola.

Everyone gathered around the kitchen table as I opened the messy, minute, itsy bitsy box.  I noticed right away that everything was sort of shoved in the box all willy-nilly.  No rhyme or reason.  And then I noticed a very quaint little detail that wiped all my previous thoughts away.

Look how they cut their little pieces of wax paper!  Isn't that pretty!  I wonder if they had special scissors for that?   

I was now ready to judge with an open mind. 

Ok, co-judges.  Here's the first one.

Mexican Wedding Cakes with Almonds & Sour Cherries:

Mmmm.  Yummy.  My three co-judges were chewing away as I jotted down their comments.  After we scored the little delicousables for taste, creativity and appearance, I read out loud Res's review of the little cakes.  And I read it in my very best British accent:

The dried cherries make a world of difference: their sour flavor and chewy texture provides a perfect counterpoint to the sweet, crumbly cookie. Not much else to add…these were excellent. I’m going to get the recipe, and I will definitely make these. My only criticism is that these were shaped a little strangely.

He's right, mom.  They are a strange shape.  All lumpy.

So what!  Who cares about the shape!  Let me finish...(continuing on in my British accent)

Pinko says he thought they would smooth out in the oven, and here he has learned an important lesson about shortbread-type cookies. Because they have very little water and no leavening, they do not change shape when baking (except for a slight shrinkage that sometimes creates small cracks).

Mom, is he a professional cook?  What's he talking about?

I don't know.  He doesn't either.  Ok.  Let's move on.

Traditional little cookies, some plain and some with boysenberry preserves:

Mom, I need milk.

Hmmm.  Is it a good thing or a bad thing to need milk, I wonder?

Broken Arm said, It's good!

Blue Kid said, I think it's a bad thing!

No, it's good!  Ever hear the phrase milk and cookies?  What do you leave for Santa?  Milk and cookies!  It's a good thing.  Ok. Moving on.

Give me another one of those first.

Here, Skimmer.  Broken Arm?  What do you think? 

Good.  But, I need milk.  In a good way.

Ok.  Let's all try these little chocolate balls...

Kaffir Lime & Chili Truffles, Mango & Curry Truffles, and Meyer Lemon & Thyme Truffles:

What are the names of these, mom?  What's curry?

It's hot stuff, but you like hot stuff, so you'll probably like it.

What's Kaffir?

I don't know.

I don't want to eat these, mom!

Just try a bite of each one!

I got glasses of milk for everyone as we started to judge the truffles.

Res was right about the chocolately goodness of the truffles...

All three flavors of truffle had a luscious, smooth consistency and a powerful, clean chocolate flavor. The only complaint I might lodge is that they were a little on the soft side. The consistency was great in the mouth, though, and I think that if you dipped these centers in melted chocolate, you could hang out a shingle and go into business.

...and as I began to read his review aloud, the two boys started screeching...

Ahhh!  What are these things?!  They're so hot!  Ugh!!!!!

They're good!  Very non-traditional, they get points for experimentation with bizarro-world ingredients!

Mom!  I have something you can tell your blogging friend.  This Pinko Punko!  Tell him they're wank!  They're total wank!

They are not wank!

They are too wank!  Pinko Punko is a total wanker!  I'm not eating anymore!

I let the boys go and began to clean up.  And suddenly I felt the need to shoulder dance across the kitchen.

And I imagined Pinko Punko doing his little dance after he got that minute package in the mail to me, dreaming of Glory and Owning The Bake-off Thrown next year.

Wanker.

Comments

[Pinko Punko]

WHY DID YOU GIVE THEM THE SPICY ONES FIRST???

They are pretty hot.

1) Check out my smooth moves

2) Res package was the identical size, it merely shared a box with Midniter's. I can't believe I got deducted for that!

Poor Skimmer, almost cool, doesn't realize that spice choc is PUNK not WANK. WANK is what UC is sending you in his secret package. Nothing could be more wank.

I didn't really mean to burn your mouths. I just wanted to try something new. Boo hoo. And images not available at that!

Happy Holidays to BG and hangers on from PP and GC! We hope you liked everything!

[Pinko Punko]

OH CRAP. Do you thin kmy totlaly awesome SEVENS caused the package to go astray??????

Prepare to be thrown, USPS.

[blue girl]

The Skimmer was fine. It was the boys. They're teenagers and hate everyone and everything.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY COMPUTER? WHY AREN'T THE GORGEOUS PHOTOS SHOWING UP?

...Must investigate.

I've almost had it, I'm tellin' ya.

[The Uncanny Canadian]

Pinko Punko is right. Your bakeoff package will be rife with wank. Which is better than getting Chuckle's package, which is rife with wang.

[Pinko Punko]

Maybe I should have dressed the truffles in little black hooded sweatshirts and eyeliner. Then they would have been the BOMB.

I GOT MY SMOOTH MOVES!

[blue girl]

Maybe the photos are too big? They're still not showing up.

God!

Ok. Give me some time here.

[Jennifer]

PP- I make my sevens the same way so she'll deduct from my score as well!!! HOWEVER... my little Mexican Wedding Cake-type cookie does not look like an albino turd! Mine looks like a little pillbox hat ala Jackie.

BG- You will need milk with mine as well and I am now guessing I didn't put in nearly enough! :( Just remember who has you down as their Fairy Blogmother... :)

As for shoulder dancing... my family is now asking that I stop!! I'm now hoping Santa brings me a "Best Of" The Gap Band for Christmas... I'm slipping into total wankery!!!

[Brando]

Very funny post.

BG, what does your family think about you having blogging friends?

[blue girl]

Ugh. Why are they now at the end? Why, Dear God, why?

Jennifer? What's going on with my Chakra? Do I need Chinese tea or something?!

I have to get back to work -- I'll fix it later. Play a little game while I'm gone. Which photo goes with what bakery description?

How fun.

Brando: They don't get it. And recently, they've *gotten it* even less.

[Jennifer]

BG- I think it's obvious what's happened to your blogging chakra! It's been smashed by Pinko's Truffles O' Death!

He is thwarting your ability to comment on any other entries!!! Next thing you know, all images will be gone and your blog will be streaming videos of emus shoulder dancing while eating Pinko's cookies.

You know... after reading Pinko's magnificent comments over at Tom W's... I was briefly thinking he was dreamie... but now I think he's a dreamu. He's evil and he must be stopped!

[shayera]

My cookies went in the mail to you this morning. They are guaranteed not to repulse Blue Kid and The Skimmer.

[Lance Mannion]

Boy, do I wish I was judging again this year!

I'm available, in case there needs to be a tie-breaker.

[blue girl]

There! The Blogging Gods have righted all that was wrong in the Wankosphere!

Thank you, Blogging Gods!

[Jennifer]

BG! Your bloggra is unsmashed!!! Did you pour some Chinese herbal tea on your keyboard?

[Pinko Punko]

So BG's themo is the Gap Band, UC's is Styx, Res' is crappy Seal- this is awesome- Jennifer needs a cheezmo them(u)e song now!

[Jennifer]

them(u)e! :)!!

[blue girl]

I have Jennifer's theme song all picked out. Don't you worry your little emu minds...

[Adorable Girlfriend]

Dear Blue Girl,

That was the funniest post evah. The fact that a teenager called Pinko Punko wank is priceless. Also, true and in the Sony crud way. Your kid can have anything from AG for the holidays he wants just for that.

As for Pinko's nasty comments, AG would like to note that poor contestanmanship should result in point deductions. Along with the fact it's a cookie bake-off. Truffles are not cookies. It's unacceptable the way he talks about others this close to the holidays. He's probably where your lovely son learned the word bastard.

BG, AG sent your cookies overnight today. They'll be on your doorstep in the morning. AG included sufganiyot (per Res' request andbecause she's Jewish) for you and your lovely family. Try to eat those first. AG worries about them not being eaten right away.

[Pinko Punko]

I hope those donuts aren't fried, my third-person friend. I seem to recall that rum balls are not baked, are they? What about 7 layer bar? I think I cannot WAIT for AG's Frosted Circus Animals and wads of cash to go down in FLAMES with the committee. What about "Your [sic] totally harshing my buzz" for the AG theme song. Everyone voted and "Renegade" by Styx is UC's.

[Adorable Girlfriend]

You know what's sad: people who get their self esteem from bake-offs.

Really sad.

Psychiatry deserving sad.

Even more sadder than those who lie to Annie Angel, unless they are one in the same.

BG, the cookie making was fun. AG is just excited for you and Blue Family to try them even if Blue Kid doesn't love them.

[Jennifer]

After reading about *wank in a box* and *wang in a box*, Grizzled felt this YouTube beauty might be fitting.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bkKyn1tHpqs

[Jennifer]

Okay BG... I don't know how to do links in the comments... :( Please adjust the above if you can.

My baking is better than my techno skills.

[Neddie Jingo]

Hey! Blue Willow!

You've got the same china as us! Blue Willow for a Blue Girl! Who'd-a thunk!

I've got some red roses
For a blue lady
Whose plates, when washing up, go clank!
And if they do the trick
I'll hurry back and pick
Blue Willow-patterned china, then I'll wank!

[Pinko Punko]

I'm sitting here in my wank tank top drinking a blue girl cocktail, natch, I'm thinking about mental white out for the third person wet blanket that ruins the internets. GC says that if her elegant palms happen to shape albino turd cookies, so be it, those are the delightful palms God gave her- they are either to make cookies or to create wank! Only one!

[Adorable Girlfriend]

Wank, wank, wank. That's about all that comes out of some people.

BG, you'll have to let us know when you get the package. UC had fun making your gift in addition to the cookies in the box.

[Adorable Girlfriend]

Things that should annoy BG:

People who cannot get it correct: It's Wite-Out. No, White Out.

[Adorable Girlfriend]

That's annoying because AG fixed the not to have a "t".

BG, does this blog hate the spelling corrections that AG is finally beginning to work on?!

:lol:

[Kevin Wolf]

Just saying hello from the sidelines. Enjoying the show.

[Scorpio]

I gotta say, the kid should stop using "wanker". A wanker is someone who stands around jerking off while other folks do either S&M or sex in a public club. Delightful, no?

[blue girl]

A wanker is someone who stands around jerking off while other folks do either S&M or sex in a public club.

Oh, Good Lord.

Don't worry. The only time he uses it is when he's making fun of my music!

...or when he's talking about Pinko Punko

And he doesn't use it in that way, believe me.

But, I'll be sure to explain that it's not a word to be throwing around the way some people do.

:)

[Adorable Girlfriend]

Blue Girl when it comes to Pinko there is one thing to know: he is academically dishonest. 9/10 th of what you read at 3B is either stolen from the spaghetti monster, i.e. emu or urbandictonary.com. Before telling Blue Kid any slang, always check there first.

[Pinko Punko]

AG can eat it. She's rude and mean. And she smells like pastrami burps.