Last August I entered a creative non-fiction contest for bloggers. I don’t remember all of the details, but I think they said the winner’s post would be printed in their creative non-fiction publication. In ink! And boy, oh, boy wouldn’t that be cool, I thought to myself. Along with, What am I? An idiot? I’ll never win. I have no idea what I’m doing. I can’t even spell. And what about my random comma placement? They’ll judge that. They’ll judge me. I hate when people judge me. Well, of course they’ll judge you, you idiot. That’s what happens when you enter a contest.
Should "an" have been capitalized in my headline?
I need a ghostwriter.
So, I set about (Yes, set about, because when one is going to be published, one sets about doing things. And refers to oneself as one.) finding a post to enter for the mean, stupid people who would be judging me. I decided on a post and started rewriting where I had links because if it’s printed in ink you can’t click on links and aren’t I smart that I thought of that, maybe I’ll get extra credit!
Months and months went by and I never heard from them. I thought about it off and on but decided I wouldn't set about finding out who was judged too harshly, laughed at and called an idiot. One doesn’t set about acquiring confirmation of one’s deepest, darkest fears, now does one?
Wednesday night I was blubbering over Jon Swift. I was clicking around the blogosphere all broken hearted when I decided to check my emails. Saw that I had an email from someone I didn’t know that didn’t look like spam, although the subject line had a rather judgmental tone to it, now that I think about it. I didn't know it was from Those Who Judge until I was well into the second paragraph where it stated they "forgot" to send out emails letting everyone know what had been decided awhile ago.
Well, thank, you, very, much!
Right away I figured I didn't make the cut because this was the first time the losers were hearing anything about what Those Who Judge forgot all about.
I skipped the third paragraph (so wordy, Those Who Judge!) and skimmed the fifteen finalists. Nope, I wasn’t on the list. Fine. I thought... One has more important things to be blubbering about than some stupid non-fiction contest where Those Who Judge are so wordy and forgetful!
Then, through my blubbering, I noticed something. I recognized one of the finalists. I perked up! Then skipped down to the last paragraph.
This blogger I “know” wasn't only a finalist, but the winner!
I decided Those Who Judge weren’t so stupid after all. Forgetful, yes. Stupid, no. They’re actually pretty smart judges. Because who wouldn't forget all about me, who chooses to believe she was sixteenth out of eight hundred plus entries -- one who only missed it by this much! -- once they've read this winner's work?
The fifteen finalists, who were Judged by Alice Bradley of finslippy, were:
Europe on Five Bad Ideas a Day
The Honest Truth
Miss Grace's Disgrace
Odd Spine and the Emptiness
Planet of the Blind
She Laughs at the Days
One must recognize the one I “know” who won if one has been reading my blog for any length of time. And if one would like to read The One’s Winning Post that will be printed in ink! One must acquire the mid-March edition of Creative Nonfiction. One can subscribe here.
Those Who Judge ended their email by letting the forgotten losers know that there will be an opportunity very soon to enter another contest. So, if one is ever going to be published in ink, one must set about finding a new post to rewrite because one never gives up, does one? No, one does not.
And Kuusisto? Stay out of the next one, will ya? Geez.